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THE ESCAPE
Marvin Poor Bear

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This is not a story of escaping from prison but escaping to prison.
Ive spent all my life running from obligations. Growing up I've been taught all the rights and wrongs in life by people who experienced both sacrifice and success. Yet the choice I've made have been altered by lack of will. I've grown into a confused state of mind where only drugs and alcohol seemed to (at one time)ease and help guide my destiny. All throughtout my childhood I've been infatuated with my own culture,yet my permittance was linited. There was work to be done leaving little time for anything else. As I entered my teenage to young adult years, I was undecided as to what and who I was. My drinking only allowed me to see the negative side of people of all races. Trying to understand love, I've encountered countless relationships- some lasting longer than others. Three in particular are very special to me because out of those relationships I've had the opportunity at fatherhood that, due to selfishness and adolescence, ( not mention a serious drug and alcohol addiction) I've failed at such an honorable task. All my actions started with good intentions and usually ended in some sort of deception. With my heavy drinking and suicidal attitude, destruction was invitable. Lost in all this turmoil, I yearned to be free of my wasteless ways, even if it meant death. All my life I've been a hypocrite, bragging of being this warrior outcast, when in reality I was living the life of a coward, running from my obligated chores of that of a warrior. Ive heard people who come to the joint speak of picking up their spirituality, thus turning their lives around. Although I was leading a great lie that I "enjoyed being the bad guy", on the inside I was screaming for help. People dont realize that (like myself) when a person ends up in jail maybe that person is ( in their own way) asking for help.
My last ex-wife once said that the only way I would help myself is if everyone gave up on me first. Well, that has happened, but the only time I found myself paying attention to helping myself was in jail even then it was a scheme to get out of jail, I knew inside that I needed to really tie myself up with some time because one week to 30 days jail sentences weren't helping me straighten out. In jail I'd heard about the programs that were offered at the hill, so when someone said tha if I went out on work release and didn't return then I'd have an escape charge with a 1 to 5 year sentence. The usual sentence is two years, so there it was- my gate to sobriety.
Well it didnt work out that way, because while I was a fugitive, I was constantly drunk. I then picked up another felony, making me a habitiual offender. I escaped jail in hopes of getting a couple years to better myself, but ended up with 12 and 5 running concurrent. I hear someone say," If I dont quit drinking I'll either end up dead or in prison," Well, somtimes the latter is not your worst case scenario. I wouldn't wish prison time on anyone, but I did find myself in here. It took being lonely and sober at the same time to create the will to strive for a better me. I've matured ten times over since I first arrived here over two years ago. My only regret is that my children have to be raised not really knowing their father. At least when they do see me again, they can look at me and be proud to say, "Thats my Dad!" rather than think of a polite word for a drunk. When I say I escaped to be free, although Iam currently in a 9x6 cage, I'm free. I've accepted that I can choose the direction of my life rather then be directed by chaos.
Marvin Poor Bear
© 1999

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