Marvin Poor Bear
This is not a story of escaping from prison but escaping to prison.
Ive spent all my life running from obligations. Growing up I've been taught all the rights and wrongs in life by people
who experienced both sacrifice and success. Yet the choice I've made have been altered by lack of will. I've grown
into a confused state of mind where only drugs and alcohol seemed to (at one time)ease and help guide my destiny.
All throughtout my childhood I've been infatuated with my own culture,yet my permittance was linited. There was
work to be done leaving little time for anything else. As I entered my teenage to young adult years, I was undecided
as to what and who I was. My drinking only allowed me to see the negative side of people of all races.
Trying to understand love, I've encountered countless relationships- some lasting
longer than others. Three in particular are very special to me because out of those relationships I've had the
opportunity at fatherhood that, due to selfishness and adolescence, ( not mention a serious drug and alcohol
addiction) I've failed at such an honorable task. All my actions started with good intentions and usually ended
in some sort of deception. With my heavy drinking and suicidal attitude, destruction was invitable. Lost in all this
turmoil, I yearned to be free of my wasteless ways, even if it meant death. All my life I've been a hypocrite, bragging
of being this warrior outcast, when in reality I was living the life of a coward, running from my obligated chores of
that of a warrior. Ive heard people who come to the joint speak of picking up their spirituality, thus turning their lives
around. Although I was leading a great lie that I "enjoyed being the bad guy", on the inside I was screaming for help.
People dont realize that (like myself) when a person ends up in jail maybe that person is ( in their own way) asking for
My last ex-wife once said that the only way I would help myself is if everyone gave up on me first. Well, that has
happened, but the only time I found myself paying attention to helping myself was in jail even then it was a scheme
to get out of jail, I knew inside that I needed to really tie myself up with some time because one week to 30 days jail
sentences weren't helping me straighten out. In jail I'd heard about the programs that were offered at the hill, so when
someone said tha if I went out on work release and didn't return then I'd have an escape charge with a 1 to 5 year
sentence. The usual sentence is two years, so there it was- my gate to sobriety.
Well it didnt work out that way, because while I was a fugitive, I was constantly drunk. I then picked up another
felony, making me a habitiual offender. I escaped jail in hopes of getting a couple years to better myself, but ended
up with 12 and 5 running concurrent.
I hear someone say," If I dont quit drinking I'll either end up dead or in prison," Well, somtimes the latter is not your
worst case scenario. I wouldn't wish prison time on anyone, but I did find myself in here. It took being lonely and
sober at the same time to create the will to strive for a better me. I've matured ten times over since I first arrived here
over two years ago. My only regret is that my children have to be raised not really knowing their father. At least
when they do see me again, they can look at me and be proud to say, "Thats my Dad!" rather than think of a polite
word for a drunk. When I say I escaped to be free, although Iam currently in a 9x6 cage, I'm free. I've accepted that I
can choose the direction of my life rather then be directed by chaos.
Marvin Poor Bear
"We are all related"
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